


Just A Touch

by QuokkaFoxtrot



Category: Pacific Rim (2013)
Genre: Alternate Universe - X-Men Fusion, Body Dysphoria, Established Relationship, M/M, Non-Consensual Touching, One Shot, Rogue!Hermann, Touch-Starved, Wolverine!Newt, imperfect allegory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-14
Updated: 2014-10-14
Packaged: 2018-02-21 02:55:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,906
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2452112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QuokkaFoxtrot/pseuds/QuokkaFoxtrot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Praise be for I am <i>loved</i>," Hermann says with a sniff. "Wonder of wonders, joy of joys, my heart is full to bursting and the world will never again be the same. Is that what you want to hear?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Just A Touch

**Author's Note:**

> Newt is Wolverine sans the Weapon X experiments, so no adamantium skeleton/claws.

Hermann stares up at the chalkboard, eying the unfinished equation as he turns the pieces over and over in his head until he's sure. He starts writing and jolts, chalk stuttering across the board, as a pair of arms wrap around his waist and a face presses against his back. Bringing his gloved hands down to push at the arms, he huffs and tries to manoeuvre himself out of the embrace.

"I've told you not to do that, Newton," he says, frowning as the arms tighten around him.

"And I've told you to call me Newt, Hermann," Newt says, blowing a raspberry between his shoulder blades. "Like, a million times."

"False equivalence," Hermann says, raising his arm to continue writing.

"It's just a hug, man," Newt says, arms still wrapped around Hermann and squeezing tightly.

"Please stop," Hermann says quietly, standing stiffly in Newt's arms. "I have work to do."

"I know how long it's been," Newt says with a sigh as he lets go so he can walk to stand in front of Hermann. "I'm not letting you go another day without you knowing that you're loved. Suck it u- Bad word choice." 

"Praise be for I am _loved_ ," Hermann says with a sniff. "Wonder of wonders, joy of joys, my heart is full to bursting and the world will never again be the same. Is that what you want to hear?"

" _No_ ," Newt says with a frustrated pout. "'Hi, Newt, you wanna go get lunch?' Would have been fine."

"I'm too busy to get lunch. Perhaps I'll have time for dinner," Hermann says and looks past Newt to his work, trying to get back into the right headspace to continue.

"You know what I mean," Newt says and refuses to budge from his position between Hermann and the chalkboard. "Some indication that you're not repulsed by my touch would be nice."

"But I am," Hermann says in a clipped tone. "The best case scenario when you touch me? You don't _die_. I take on aspects of your personality and you essentially start dating _yourself_. What about that _isn't_ repulsive?"

"You say that like it's a bad thing," Newt says with a wink and then before Hermann can process it he's darting in and pressing a kiss to Hermann's cheek. 

He's helpless as he feels Newt's essence flow into him, the soft touch of lips against his cheek making his breath catch in his throat and his hands clasp at Newt's shoulders. It takes everything in him to pull away and keep Newt at arm's length.

"Nothing's gonna happen to me," Newt says, staring at Hermann with glassy eyes.

"Whatever it is in you that does this, whatever reserve you have that brings you back and gives you life, I will bleed it dry. I will _become_ you," Hermann says and he can already feel it happening, tendrils of Newt shooting through his mind, softening his posture and relaxing his vowels. "I cannot be _me_ when you touch me."

Newt's staring at him slightly slack jawed and Hermann can't tell if he does just not comprehend what he's saying, or if he managed to do some serious damage in the short time they touched. Hermann's reaching out to see if he's okay and trying to remember if the number for medical is in the first aid kit or taped up beside the phone when Newt shakes his head and takes a step back.

"I didn't even think of that," he says and the dawning look of realisation and horror is as a stab to Hermann's heart. "It's not- I don't-" He sighs and scrubs a hand through his hair, looking up at Hermann helplessly. "I love you, man. It was just a kiss."

Hermann closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, clamping down on the urge to pull Newt into a hug straight away. He can still feel Newt running through him and knows that if he'd let him have his way he'd already be hugging him. He needs to be sure that it's _himself_ that wants this. He needs to have control over his own choices or... what else does he have?

He opens his eyes and looks at Newt and is decided. He doesn't need to untangle his impulses from Newt's right now; whenever Newt looks at him that way, he _always_ wants to hug him.

"Put it up," Hermann says and Newt makes a face, nose scrunching up as he tries to process. 

"Does it even work through hair?"

" _Put it up_ , jerkface," Hermann snaps and Newt huffs and takes a step back.

" _Fine_. And, okay, maybe you're right; the acting like me thing is kind of off-putting," he says pulling his hood up and tugging on the drawstring until it's tight around his glasses and only his nose and lips are peeking out. "How's that?"

Hermann's only response is to pull Newt back to him, wrapping his arms around his shoulders and allowing himself to rest his head against Newt's. Newt's arms are around his middle and he feels safe and warm like he hasn't since he was a teenager; like he hasn't since before... Before.

He can feel Newt pressing kisses to his chest, against the rough fabric of his blazer and he has a brief moment where he can imagine what they would feel like on his skin, the soft drag and the rough stubble. He quashes the thought as fast as he can, squeezing his eyes closed and pressing his cheek closer against the crown of Newt's head.

"There's- I've heard- They've made a cure," Hermann says quietly. "Over in the- There's a cost, but- They can fix me, Newton."

"You can't fix perfection," Newt says, turning his head to nuzzle in and kiss Hermann's collar. "Would you fix your leg? If they had the ability?"

"My leg doesn't kill people with a touch," Hermann says, pulling out of the embrace and drawing away. "I should have known you'd be on of _those_."

"Hey, no, wait, that's not what I-" Newt lurches forward and grabs Hermann by the forearms, hands sliding down to grasp at his hands and keep him from moving away. "I love _you_ , Hermann. I'm saying don't think you have to change yourself to be with me, 'cos I'm gonna love you no matter what."

"What if I want to change for _me_ , hrm? What then?" Hermann asks, drawing up to his full height and looking down at Newt shrewdly. "I don't like who I am. I don't like _what_ I am. I don't like what _I do_. This isn't- This is not _me_. Can't you see that?"

"It's been who you are for as long as I've known you. I just-" Newt says and Hermann huffs and yanks his hands away, grabbing his cane and heading towards the door. "No! Wait, that's not what I- I've never even _thought_ about taking the cure myself because it wouldn't _cure_ me. It's in my _bones_ , Hermann; it _is_ my bones. The first time the claws came out I'd just bleed and bleed and bleed until I was _dead_. I've never _thought_ about it beyond that and now I'm trying to get my head around what it means for _you_ , okay?"

Hermann shakes Newt's hand off his arm, but stops moving away.

"This is not the life I want to lead, Newton," Hermann says, looking towards the door. "If there's an option to change... I want to take it."

Newt nods, taking a tentative step forward and holding out a hand. "Okay. Okay, then. Just... when you go, let me come with you? Let me make sure th- Wait, no, don't go, don't- Let me and Tendo hack their systems and find out what the fuck this cure is and what it's going to do to _you_ , specifically. I want you to be happy, but I want you to be _safe._ "

"It's not your decision, Newton," Hermann says, pulling back further so Newt can't touch him.

"I don't want to _make_ your decision," Newt says and he's walking slowly forward until Hermann's pressed up against the wall. "I want you to be informed. I want you to be _safe_. I want you to have what you want. I want to be able to touch you without you flinching. But not if that means you're _dead_."

They're chest to chest and Newt's standing on his toes so he can look Hermann straight in the eye and he can feel the warmth of Newt's breath ghosting over his lips and Hermann is weak. _Just one kiss_ , he thinks as he licks his lips; they're so close. _Just one kiss and I can stop before I-_

"You can't hurt me," Newt whispers, lips brushing past Hermann's and sending short, sharp jolts of electricity zinging through the places they touch.

Hermann closes his eyes and slowly pushes Newt away. "You don't know how wrong you are," he says sadly and then he's leaving the lab and retreating to his room as fast as he can, closing and locking the door behind him.

Once he's sure he's safe and alone, he slips his gloves off and sinks down to the bed. The fingers of one hand ghost over his lips where he can still feel the lingering zing of Newt's lips, his essence coursing through his system. The other slides into his shirt, pushing down on the memory of pressure - nose and lips and chin moving across his chest.

His breath catches in his throat and he knows - he _knows_ \- what he has to do. He can't wait for Newt or Tendo or anyone or any _thing_. His entire adult life has been spent existing in exile, trapped in his own skin. 

He's not going to wait any longer.

\---

The building is a corporate monolith in the heart of Hong Kong. 

He sits in a waiting room with two others – one anxious and wary and hunched in on themselves, the other staring at the door to the back room with their chin raised and shoulder’s set – where he’s made to fill out his medical history and sign a waiver.

He waits and tries not to reprimand himself for going without waiting to hear what Newt and Tendo found.

He’s lead into an office.

The procedure is quick, they say.

He shakes their hands as he leaves.

\---

"Hey, man, I looked all over for you last night," Newt says the next morning when he enters the lab. "We did it. We hacked in and found everything and... it's safe. They've actually managed to do it. You can-... You can be who you want."

"I know," Hermann says softly, feeling Newt's presence as an inexorable pull and he can't stop himself from moving until he's standing in front of him. Everything has changed. He no longer has to worry about his body betraying him; he doesn’t feel tense and tight and hunched, worried about what he’ll feel if someone touches him. His body is his once more and maybe it will stay his this time. "I _know_." 

"What? What do you mean? Did you-... Your gloves?" Newt looks up in shock as Hermann reaches out and touches his hand.

"This is me," Hermann says, marvelling as his fingers trail over Newt's and it doesn't feel _wrong_. He looks up and happiness fills his chest to bursting. "This is who I'm supposed to be."


End file.
